How to 'Stop' Communication screwing up your (work) life success!
ҠScenario: A colleague gives you a piece of work and you notice an ˜error; what do you generally say:
*Youve made a mistake...
*You need to change this...
*What did you do that for...
*Thanks for doing x, can I just check something with you... Ҡ
In your communication with them, do you primarily try to understand their thinking, respectfully or show them ˜how dumb they are... that you could have done it better... be honest now?
Communication is so fundamental to getting work (life) to work, that Im amazed at how we use it; I see it used as a form of manipulation... as veiled threats... to push our point of view across... to show the other person up, far more than I see it being used to create understanding, respect, trust... honesty; is it any wonder we feel so battered, frustrated, misunderstood and have such a hard time in work (life)!
Far from being perfect, I sometimes catch myself speaking to people through veiled ˜put downs; it might be that my tone of voice is a little condescending, the words I choose to use or the frustration I feel as I speak; its not that Im a BAD person its just that at that moment I feel vulnerable, wounded, exposed and so I lash out to defend myself; the key here is that my underlying intention is ˜to defend myself.Ҡ Trouble is, when I do that I tend to get met with an equal or greater slap back and things can quickly escalate.Ҡ Now, if I suppose that this is happening to other people, and Ive seen plenty of evidence to suggest it does, then each of us is adding to our misery, even if it is unintentional, so how can our communication be less brutal? ҠWell:
1)ҠIf we focus on ˜fixing conflict all were really doing is moping up the blood after a bout; it does very little to prevent it happening in the first place.Ҡ
2)ҠIf we learn set ˜communication styles or influencing techniques were likely to piss people off as no one likes to feel theyre being manipulated and, besides, you have your own natural style of communication thats part of your uniqueness... your gift.Ҡ
So, what might work?Ҡ Well, I believe, that theres one fundamental desire that ever human being has, namely: that no one wants to be hurt... simple right?Ҡ Think about it: if at the heart of my communication the intention is to defend or attack, you can be pretty damn sure that both you and I are going to feel pain; if I stab at you (verbally/non-verbally), youre likely to stab me back and besides, theres a part of me that feels pretty shitty for hurting you, even if I ˜think Im justified, because in my heart of hearts I know its unkind and so do you.Ҡ So whats a fundamental alternative that everybody would benefit from?Ҡ
Kindness.Ҡ What would happen if you only ever intended to be ˜kind in your communication?Ҡ You might use the word respectful... although for me, kindness makes my connection a real heartfelt physical sensation as opposed to an intellectual concept.Ҡ By the way, much of our behaviour is driven by our emotions e.g. you act differently when you feel pissed off to when youre in a good mood/feel happy, so if you want to master your relationships... the results you create, learning to connect and master your emotions (in your body i.e. the physical sensations) is key.
So, in choosing to communicate kindly:
*How might your tone of voice change?
*How might the words you use, alter?
*How might it affect the way you listen?
*How would it affect the amount of time spent going round and round in meetings?
*Would the amount of ˜bad feeling between colleagues increase or decrease?
*How would it generally affect performance, enjoyment... service levels? Ҡ
When I ˜intend to be kind, I relax... I find myself listening more, I argue less/press my point less in effect, I stop adding fuel to the fire of conflict because the other persons point of view is as valid as mine, even if I disagree with it. ҠWhen Im being kind, I swear the other person can feel it; why do we speak kindly to children or to your lover... why do you want people to speak kindly/respectfully to you?Ҡ When were kind to someone they have less need to be guarded... they may lower their sword and begin to open up a little... to be willing to see your point of view, to find a way forward... at least thats my experience.Ҡ So, instead of kicking the crap out of each other (and building greater defences) we begin to connect a little (or a lot) more; we begin bridging together, now that has to be a step in the ˜right direction for all of us.
Ҡ
HOW TO TIP (another piece of the jigsaw)
Ok, heres a tip that might come in handy.Ҡ Remember: this is just one part of the (work) life jigsaw; its true power comes to the fore when used in the context of your overall learning and development, particularly in the area of self-mastery which is the work Change it live it does... this will get you started though:
Ok, at the start of every meeting, conservation... as you walk down the street (we love to pass comment on the people we see), set a simple intention ˜to be kind i.e. think to yourself: Im going to be as kind as I can be as I communicate (speak, write, listen) with this person/you and then see what happens; notice:Ҡ
*How different you feel (e.g. more or less stress)
*How your actions alter
*How the other person responds to you... does it alter over time?
*What the outcome is...
A hugely importantly point is that in order to be kinder/more respectful to others and for them to be kinder/more respectful to you, you need to be kinder/more respectful to yourself; just like a tree, the fruit it bears comes from the nutrition its roots receive; if you beat the crap out of yourself and trust me, we are most brutal with ourselves, then youre default position is one of attack/defence and so youll do the same to others.Ҡ Be gentle, be persistence and like all things, the results you get will be proportional to the attention you give your investment, so test this ˜tip out regularly to really see what difference it makes.